Hey Isaac, I wrote/recorded this on the drive back from Newport, after seeing Nana and Granddad.
You’d been on my mind, as you often are. You’d played bass at church that morning with about ten minutes’ notice, after Cadet Camp was cancelled because of the heat. You just walked up and did it. The week before, you’d done much the same with ‘Thought for the Day’… minimal warning, no script, just a bit of help and the nerve to stand up and speak.
I was properly proud of you. And I think you were pretty pleased with yourself too.
Which, strangely enough, is why I started thinking about humility.
Thinking about yourself less
There’s a version of this line most people have heard somewhere.
It’s not about thinking less about yourself. It’s about thinking about yourself less.
Same words, slightly different order… completely different point. This isn’t about talking yourself down, humility isn’t that. It’s about not spending so much of your time thinking about how great you are.
I think most of us go through a time where we’re a little full of ourselves – drinking our own Kool-Aid as the Americans sometimes put it, believing our own hype, thinking we’re chocolate, whatever you want to call it.
It’s not a moral failing exactly… although if taken too far it probably can be. Mostly it’s just a trap worth knowing is there. You’ll meet people who are a bit ‘look at me’, and here’s the thing… none of us actually like those people. And if none of us like them, none of us should want to become one.
Competence worn lightly
There is a version of this that I’ve come to really admire in people. Someone who’s genuinely excellent at something, an expert even, but wears it really lightly. A bit self-deprecating… ‘ah, I’m not that good’… when they plainly are.
Humility isn’t self-deprecating or shrinking. It’s the ability to hold your own abilities and achievements without gripping them too tight.
But there’s a trap here as well. If that easy modesty tips into false modesty, fishing for someone to correct you, it stops being humility and becomes almost a kind of performance.
Where that line sits is hard to judge, and I certainly don’t always know. But there’s something powerful about genuine humility and it’s absolutely worth working at, because there’ll be plenty of moments where you’re not as humble as you should be.
That’s been me, many times.
Gentle and lowly
I’m reading a book at the moment called Gentle and Lowly, working through it with John from church as part of some mentoring he’s doing with me. The title comes from the only place in the gospels where Jesus describes his own character, in his own words.
Two words.
Gentle. Lowly.
Think on that for a second.
If you were the Son of God, able to do things no one else could… wouldn’t you be at least a little big-headed about it?
But He chose to be gentle and lowly… servant-hearted.
We hear gentle and lowly and think, well, that’s not much, is it. That’s the point. He knew exactly who he was. He didn’t need to keep proving it.
And yet, that’s how he described himself.
Staying teachable
So here’s the bit I actually want you to pay attention to, if you take nothing else from this.
Humility is what keeps you teachable.
You don’t learn anything from anyone if you already think you’ve got everything figured out and have all the answers.
Saying, “you’re better than me at this, can you teach me?” isn’t putting yourself down. It’s putting yourself in a position to learn.
And there’s always going to be somebody better than you at whatever it is, however good you get. Even people right at the top of their sport are only there for a short time. Being the best is always fleeting.
An open, honest, humble heart lasts a lot longer.
Two ways to carry yourself
Maybe one of the easiest places to see this is in rugby. Sport has plenty of examples because, by its nature, it’s constantly pushing people to prove themselves.
Some players carry themselves like they’re the best thing ever. I’m better than you. I’m the best. Whether they say it outright or not.
I don’t know Finn Russell or Henry Pollock personally, and maybe some of that is just gamesmanship, part of the performance.
But then there’s someone like Shane Williams. Genuinely humble, grateful for the opportunities he had and honest about where he fell short too.
That’s the version worth aiming at.
If you don’t like people who are full of themselves, and none of us do, don’t be that person.
Be the one people actually want to be around.
What about me?
I should probably say something about me and my own relationship with humility.
I think I’m naturally fairly modest. I don’t particularly like attention and I’m not very comfortable with praise. If anything, I think I probably undersell myself sometimes.
But I can be arrogant too, and I have been.
You live long enough and you start to spot patterns in yourself. That’s one I’ve had to work at… and one that life has helped correct me on more than once.
The kind of confidence I admire is quiet assurance. Someone who can be really good at something and still ask what other people think. Still listen. Still learn. Still assume they’ve got something left to learn.
There’s an old story about Ray Gravell, a Welsh rugby player from the 70s, who would apparently ask his teammates during matches how he was doing… constantly, ‘How am I doing, boys?’
Maybe he took that a little too far.
There’s probably a point where wanting feedback becomes needing reassurance, and I’m not sure I’ve worked out exactly where that line is either. But I like the instinct behind it.
However good you are, stay open to being told how you could be better.
John is probably one of the most genuinely humble people I know. When he teaches, or someone asks him a question, there’s an understated confidence about him. He’s properly good at what he does, but he doesn’t need you to know it.
That’s the kind of confidence I’d like you to aim for.
Not pretending you’re less capable than you are… just not needing to prove yourself all the time.
What I want you to take from this…
Hold humility as something worth aiming at in your character.
Be the quietly confident one. Stay curious. Always be ready to learn, even when you think you’ve got something nailed down. Ask other people what they can teach you.
I haven’t got it all figured out either. I’m not sure I ever will.
But I’ll keep trying.
So should you.
Scripture
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather in humility, value others above yourself.
— Philippians 2:3
For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.
— Luke 14:11
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.
— Micah 6:8
Don’t put yourself above others. Be soft-hearted. Be humble.
Forward. Always forward.
Love, Dad.
Related: Letter to Isaac: Gratefulness, Letter to Isaac: Forgive… Let It Go
